Starting with Silence
This post is offered up simply as a reflection for some colleagues who will have more context around what it is.
In order to deal with my own akwardness in the process, I took notes. I wasn’t sure if I was going to manage just sitting there? So the notes ended up being my ‘safety blanket’ and not an intentional recording process. Each new line is a new reflection at a different time. Time between reflections ranges from 30sec to several minutes. Often an event would prompt a new reflection. So it’s a combo of time and event.
“So I’m trying Nick’s experiment today. Got to be honest, that the discomfort I’m feeling is more about me than my concern around anyone else in the room.”
“I’m feeling akward. The group seems quite relaxed. They’re chatting amongst themselves still”
“I suppose my akwardness is not knowing what will happen? I’m anticipating that I’ll feel a lot better than I do now, once it’s done. I’m writting as a way to be doing something.”
“The room has now gone quiet. People are looking at me. People are trying to work out what’s going on?”
“There’s some laughter. They think I’m analysing and observing them.”
“It feels like it’s only been 3 monutes. I wonder what’s going to happen? Some just got up, walked around the table and is making coffee.”
“Someone is trying to get my attention by talking to me. I’ve ignored them by looking into this book. Didn’t think I’d be able to look at them and keep a straight face.”
“God this is difficult.”
“Someone just asked the person who tried to talk to me a question. It felt as if they were trying to rescue the person from being ignored by me. So they’ve engaged the individual by pulling them into the group.”
====== I was called out of the room for 2 minutes. This wasn’t planned.
“I’m back and I’m not sure what the conversation was while I was out.”
“Someone (different person) is trying to engage me again. Again I ignore them.”
“The group has gone quiet again. They think if they’re quiet I’ll start. The quiet doesn’t last long (10 sec)”
“The group hasn’t engaged themselves yet as a collective. Still lots of small conversations going on.”
“I’ve just pulled my phone out of my bag to see the time. It’s been 13 minutes.”
“Most of the conversation in the room is around work and people at work. Feels like ‘safe’ conversation.”
“One or two irritated/put-out bits of body language happening. Deep sighs. Shifting in chairs.”
“How long should I sit here? This group knows each other even though they work in different geographical locations. So they seem confortable with each other. Should I go for longer with a group that’s comfortable and who knoe each other? Good question to ask Nick and Keith from their experience?”
“Experiencing this brings a lot more questions into my head that I had never thought of asking previously. That’s an interesting observation about life and experience.”
“I looked up at the group. Smiled at each person. They smiled back. Someone almost took initiative and started a group conversation. But they stopped on ‘Ok…..’ Can it be so difficult to engage the group?”
“People talking about me rejecting them.”
“Some more humour in the room. The group laughed. It’s been 20 minutes.”
“Someone just got up and is writting on a whiteboard. I don’t want to look up yet. I think they’re hoping I’ll do that? Yup I might be right, because she sat down and the room went quiet. Feel like they’re waiting for me to respond, or look. Lasted only 5 sec and they’re back to normal.”
“Someone says, ‘I can spend my entire Friday like this. It’s cool.’ Group talk starting?”
“Phone starts vibrating. Group focus off of him and onto the phone.”
“The whiteboard says, ‘Barrie, please talk to us 
’. Interesting that one of the quietest people in the room did this.”
“The person next to me, looked at her watch. Sighed deeply. Someone else sighs. It’s been 25 min.”
“Someone now asks the group if the group should start something or wait for me to finish whatever it is I’m doing. I almost smile, but keep looking down. Am I getting nervous? Excited? Something is finally happening.”
“People ask him to give them a quote that he mentioned he read that morning, for them to talk about.” He backs down and says he might get thrown out for taking over, as it’s happened to him before.”
“The group returns to small pockets of conversation around the business.”
“It’s been 30 minutes since we began. I’m going to end this.”
“They try to engage with me again. Then there’s quiet as people wait for a response. Then back to normal.”
“I’m going to ask for a 5 minute break. Leave the room. Come back and we can engage around what they, and I, just experienced.”
Well that’s my journal of what happened.
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