Bramley Famli

Imago Relationships sends out a monthly news letter called Connections. There are usually around 3 articles in the newsletter, and I have always enjoyed at least one of them very much. I’m a fan of the Imago Relationship Philosophy, and the articles serve as a practical reminder to why we got married in the first place, and then, more importantly, why we should be working our asses off to ensure they remain fulfilling, successful and wonderful places to find and give healing.

In this month’s issue the article I enjoyed the most is called ‘The Gift that keeps on Giving‘. It’s the best overview I’ve seen so far, from Imago, dealing with the why and how we chose our partner. Essentially it’s because we see in them the ‘missing parts’ that our missing in our own lives from childhood (I know, for some this may seem a strange concept – hang in there, it is interesting).

We entered adulthood with many of our childhood needs still unmet. And now we expect our spouse to finally meet those needs.  That’s why our unconscious mind picked this person in the first place. But there was one obstacle. This person whom we chose to meet our unmet childhood needs had to be like our parents; the same parents who couldn’t meet all our needs in the first place.

The key, suggested in this article, is for us to ask our partner for what we need. Our partner is not only in a position to help us find healing by meeting our unmet needs, but in them responding, by doing, their own healing takes place at the same time.

It’s my experience that simply asking isn’t enough. There’s a lot of careful work that needs to go into the asking, in order to avoid asking in a way that get’s their back up. Both partners having a working knowledge of Imago is important, but I also think there are other frameworks that can help in this space. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman is a useful guide to phrasing the questions in the best possible way.

The key is in how we see the process of asking for what we need. This is the gift that keeps on giving. When we ask for what we need, we are asking someone who does not have the ability to do what we ask. The ability to meet our need was buried or lost a long time ago. The request for what we need is the key to our partner’s wholeness. When we ask, they must really stretch and find those lost characteristics that will enable them to meet our needs and, at the same time, finally become whole again.

Found this article the other day from the New York Times, via Twitter (me thinks). Wasn’t sure what to expect, but it turned out to be an interesting piece on the aparent strength of marriage in modern times. Anecdotaly I’ve assumed that state of marriage is not healthy. Perhaps I am wrong?

Despite strong social riptides working against it — the liberalization of divorce laws, the vanishing stigma of divorce, the continual online temptations of social sites like MySpace or Facebook — the marriage bond is far stronger in 21st-century America than many may assume.